Magic Words
How good are you at saying, “I’m sorry,” when an apology is needed?
Our Experience
“Not once has he ever said, I’m sorry.”
“Heaven forbid if I ever expect her to apologize.”
I often hear someone say something like the above about their spouse.
When we are unwilling to apologize for something we have said, done or neglected we make emotional connection impossible.
As Libby and I began to have this conversation, I realized something about Good Conversations. You cannot predict where they may go.
I guess that is good because it then requires some vulnerability, good listening, and a dose of self-awareness. Oh, yes, and also courage.
“Well, it can’t be a “I’m sorry, but . . . ,” she begins
I wasn’t expecting a tutorial on legitimate apologies. Why was I already feeling that I might have to apologize for something before we concluded?
“On little things, I find it easy to apologize,” she continued.
“Like forgetting something on the calendar,” she added.
“On big things, I’ll probably say, “I’m sorry, but you should understand me.”
We had a hard time coming up with specific examples. But I was relieved that she did not pull out a list of things still waiting for an apology.
Whew!
It then occurred to me that some things have to be true in order to truly say,
“I’m sorry.”
Good will. A positive attitude about our spouse is necessary. Resistance to giving an apology is a good sign that we are nursing some resentment or hurt.
Humility. If we have to always be right, forget about apologizing. Author Terry Real says that we can be right or be married, but not both.
Self-Awareness. Assume that you have blind spots that make you hard to live with. Never conclude, “That’s just the way I am.” That attitude is a commitment to be a jerk. How about growing instead.
A commitment to love my spouse incredibly well always includes the aspiration to be great at saying, “I’m sorry.”
How can you get great at apologizing?
