How does your spouse experience you generally?
Circle ones that stand out:
Preoccupied
Impatient
Irritable
Cold
Stressed
Serious
Exacting
Harsh
Critical
Serious
Withdrawn
Present
Patient
Kind
Warm
Relaxed
Light-hearted
Flexible
Gentle
Affirming
Fun
Affectionate
(Extra credit if you are brave enough to ask your spouse. Double extra credit if your spouse asks you and you are kind and encouraging in your response.)
Our Experience
“It depends,” I think to myself.
If I am in a good mood the adjectives on the left have a good chance of being in play. If I am stressed, not so much.
And my default is to be too exacting for anybody’s good. If there is a right way to do, well, everything, then one becomes an inspector.
Case Study: As I finished the sentence above, I got a call from Libby.
“Grey needs your help to get out of the tree in the front yard. The leaves underneath are slippery and he might fall.”
“Really?” I said with irritation.
(I’m trying to get this post done, I rationalized. And there is a limb he can use to swing down where he can touch the ground.)
Self-aware as I am, I noted my irritation and adjusted the dial as I put my shoes on. But I thought that this could be a teachable moment. For Grey that is. And maybe even Libby. I am so generous with my wisdom.
“Grey, let me show you something,” I said as I approached the tree.
“No, Papa. I just want to get down.”
“But all you have to do is grab that limb and swing down,” I countered.
“No, Papa. Just get me down.”
So, I helped him down and he walked to his Mimi.
“Grey, come back. I want to show you something,” I insisted.
Obviously interpreted as, “Let me shame you first.”
“Stop it, Mark,” said Libby.
“But, … ,” I started.
“STOP IT, MARK.”
At that moment, Grey’s mother showed up and after some good-byes, they left, and Libby and I went inside.
“I’m sorry that I yelled at you,” Libby said.
“But I just wanted to show him that he is tall enough to reach up and grab the branch.’”
“Are you not giving this up?” she asked.
Then we came to my desk and she started reading what I had written. (Bad timing.)
I can’t remember when I have heard her laugh as loudly as she did when she read the first paragraphs under Our Experience.
“This is perfect!” she exclaimed.
“You nailed it!”
Did I mention that none of us volunteer to become more self-aware?
That is why we desperately need others. Only they can hold the mirror.
But the list above is a good start.
Good luck.
