A Good Fight
Recall your last fight. How did it end? Did it end well?
(If you need the fantasy that your spouse and you do not “fight,” substitute the word “disagreement.” And if you do not have disagreements, try to figure out which one of you is being dishonest. Or afraid.)
Our Experience
I was really surprised by the fight that Libby and I had the other night. Surprised by several things: how intense I was to try to force her agreement. I brought out some artillery that I thought I had retired.
Considering my behavior in our “discussion,” I was mostly surprised by how well the fight ended.
What was the cause of the battle? A disagreement about going to an event that I wanted to attend and Libby did not.
The first mistake I made was to assume that Libby was just as enthusiastic as I was about going. She cleared that up quickly.
“Have I given you any hint that I wanted to go?”
“No, but you should want to go. You will enjoy it.” (Second mistake.)
When she resisted that brilliance, I started lobbing grenades. It is obvious that I am pulling the pin whenever I start a sentence with either of these phrases:
"I just thought that you. . . . ."
"I can’t believe that you . . . ."
Fill in the blanks with something like:
“I just thought that you still love people as much as I do.”
(Tom Hanks says that whenever he starts a sentence with,
“Let me get this straight,” it’s time to head for the bunker.
What surprised me was how easily she deflected every grenade.
She did that laugh that says, “Good luck, I’m not taking any of this personally. You are on your own to keep this fight going.”
I hate it when she pulls out her Wonder woman shield. Next will come the Lasso of Truth.
Don’t get me wrong. She did stand up for herself.
“You’re not going to bully me into going.”
That statement presented a choice to me: call in an air strike or step back and look at myself. Nothing douses a fire as quickly as self-awareness. She did concede one thing, though.
“I tell you what, I will ask God if I should go.”
WHAT!! Now I have to convince God that she should go? That is not fair.
I suspect that God wants to have a talk with me first.
Believe it or not, this fight ended well.
Libby resisted engaging. Her grenades were more like balloons. Mine were all duds.
She had enough detachment to focus on the how of our fight rather than the what.
I managed (with her help) to step back and see myself in the moment. I was surprised how quickly I could literally “repent,” that is turn around and change course.
We each accepted repair attempts easily. I apologized and instantly the argument lost its grip on me. It was like magic. (Perhaps she did use the Lasso of Truth.) She spoke kind and loving words of commitment about our relationship.
How do your fights go?
Are you getting closer?
