Disappointment

How do you handle disappointment?

Name and describe a recent disappointment. Is it still festering?

Our Experience

Libby and I have never been good examples of how to handle disappointment in a healthy way.

Here is our incomplete list of how not to handle disappointment:

1. Deny it. Too much vulnerability is required to honestly acknowledge most disappointments. Who wants others to feel sorry for you?

2. Toughen up. What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. It may maim you, crush your soul, destroy your relationships, but at least you’ll be tough.

3. Let it go. This response most often occurs when someone has caused our disappointment. Resentment, fake kindness, slow withdrawal and distrust are what takes the place of honest talk and reconciliation.

4. Try Harder. Check out Michael Jordan’s Hall of Fame acceptance speech for the best example of this approach. It is mostly a list of disappointments and people who offended him, and it is as if these things had just happened. It is legit if we make a course correction after a disappointment, but if we are trying now to prove something, we will never be finished or satisfied.

5. Blame Yourself. This is the response that Libby and I use most. Self-critique will convince us that somehow we deserved it. Our math is very simple: Disappointment = Failure. Crippling.

6. Blame Others. Libby and I do not tend to use this approach, even when we should. That would not be nice.

But we have known others who always seem to be victims of what others do around them. Get good at being a victim and you will stay that way.

Here is what we are trying to learn to do:

1. Show Up. Be present to our disappointment by naming it.

2. Get Curious. Become an expert about your disappointment by seeking to understand the causes, the factors and the underlying dynamics. What can you learn about yourself?

3. Let God Walk You Through It. This may be tough if you have turned God into a judge or critic. If so, try to imagine your Best Self lovingly comforting one of your children. Just think of their relief when your love and strength cover them.

4. Tell someone about it. A disappointment about not being included in something hit me like a punch in the mouth recently. It was a knock-down and my bell was rung. I was desperate to tell Libby about it but I did not want to show how hurt I was. And I did not want to assign her the “Fix-It Role.” When I did tell her, her response was perfect.

“I’m sorry. I can see how disappointing that would be.”

She entered in to my disappointment. She felt it with me. She could have found a way to blame me or criticize the others involved. But she did not.

Do you want your spouse to be your best friend?

Then share your disappointments.