Honor Their Dreams
Can you quickly list the “dreams” of your spouse?
Do it.
Now ask them to describe their dreams and hopes, big and small.
How can you support one of their dreams?
Our Experience
“Can you tell me in thirty seconds one thing I can do to improve my marriage?”
This is the question a man asked John Gottman, the renowned researcher on marriage during a Q&A.
“Well, there are a lot of things in my book that could improve your marriage, but if I had to name the most important, it would be to honor her dreams.”
Without saying another word, the man abruptly got up and left. Gottman assumed he had offended him. He later found out that the man went straight home.
“What’s the matter?” his wife asked.
“Are you sick? What are you doing home?”
“A man said that I should honor your dreams, and I realized that I have no idea what your dreams are.”
It is often the case that the dreams of one spouse have to take a back seat in order to support the dreams of the other. That was certainly true when I was growing up. It was also true in our marriage. Leaving family and moving to the Boston area with three children, ages one to six, for me to attend graduate school was not on Libby’s Dream List.
Also, very quickly in a marriage dreams get replaced by responsibilities and managing differences. Once kids are added to the picture sleep and survival become the dreams. I will never forget lying in bed with Libby after we turned out the lights and talking about how glad we were that our child had made it to the potty that day.
“What’s happened to us?” I suddenly said.
“We were going to change the world. Now we’re just thrilled that we didn’t have to change a diaper.”
If “dream” is too lofty a word for you, replace it with “hope” or “desire.”
Then ask yourselves these questions.
Do I even know my dreams?
Is it safe for me to share my dreams? Will they be judged, dismissed or criticized?
Do I ignore, judge or dismiss the dreams of my spouse?
Do I have a track record of supporting my spouse’s dreams?
Am I glad to see my spouse achieve their dreams?
I have to admit that Libby cannot hardly finish a sentence about a dream before I shift from Listening Gear to Analyzing Gear. And by “analyzing” I mean answering the reflex question, “What am I going to have to do?”
“What’s Mark going to say?”
Versus
“I can’t wait to share this with Mark.”
Honoring is such a good word.
Having space to dream is life-giving.
Having the opportunity to care about someone else’s dream is life-transforming.
What dream can you support?
