Know the Difference?

Do you know the difference between a complaint and a criticism?

Our Experience

If you want to destroy your marriage, criticizing your spouse is the quickest way.

Convince your spouse that they are a failure and that is exactly what they will become.

John Gottman, the foremost marriage researcher says that there is a difference between a complaint and a criticism.

A complaint is about something, like a behavior, situation, or action. A criticism is about someone - a person, you.

Complaint: “I wish you would help me get the kids ready for bed.”

Criticism: “You are so lazy! I can never count on you for any help around here.”

(If you grew up in the South you may think a complaint and a criticism are the same. If so, switch to “concern.” Speaking directly and honestly is almost impossible for us Southerners, bless our hearts.)

Last week I wrote about how I thought I was going to be a hero by removing the water restrictor from our showerhead to increase the water pressure. I couldn’t wait to get Libby’s reaction.

I was surprised I did not hear a whoop of delight when she turned the shower on. She was almost dressed when I couldn’t stand it any longer and finally asked,

“How was your shower.”

With notable force and energy, she spun around and said,

“I hated it! It was horrible! It made me a nervous wreck! I don’t know when I will be able to calm down!”

Test: Was that a complaint or a criticism?

That’s easy. What pronoun was the subject? “It.”

If it had been “you,” it would have been a criticism.

“You always do something boneheaded like this! You don’t have a clue about what I like!”

Then the fight would have been on.

I would quickly blame her for making an unclear statement about our water pressure being weak. And we might go on with point/counterpoint until we were mad enough to separate.

Thank you, Criticism.

What was my response?

As I shared last week, I laughed. Then she laughed. We thought it was hilarious that my good intention had destroyed the ‘peace’ of her shower.

Laughter is contagious. But so is criticism.

How often do you criticize your spouse?