In Tune

What daily habits of touch, affection, affirmation, and notice keep your relationship ‘in tune’?

Our Experience

Have you ever heard someone play a guitar that was out of tune?

It’s painful, isn’t it?

Imagine James Taylor trying to play You’ve Got a Friend on a guitar that is out of tune.

No thanks.

Imagine John Legend playing All of Me on a piano that was out of tune.

Thanks, John, but we want none of you on that piano.

The most talented musician cannot overcome an out-of-tune instrument.

The most dedicated couple cannot overcome a relationship that does not know how to stay in tune.

If you spent a weekend at the Gottman Love Lab living in an apartment and having every interaction recorded and studied by Gottman and his team of researchers, they would watch those recordings in suspense to see how
well you could ‘attune’ your relationship.

What would they be looking for?

Small, brief exchanges of connection that are huge in signaling value and belonging.

If they saw you walk into a room where your spouse was looking at their phone and did not bother to look up, they would say, “Uh-oh.”

If they saw you preparing a meal in the kitchen and there was no touch between you, they would be alarmed.

Stringed instruments get out of tune very easily. So do marriages.

They would be especially interested in seeing how you tune-up after an argument or conflict.

I know one couple that have a make-up song that tunes them right up after a big fight: I Will Walk 500 Miles by The Proclaimers.

I dare you to watch the video. Those guys look like accountants (no offense, accountants.) I bet that the Gottman team would pop a cork on a bottle of champagne if they saw a couple dancing to that in the Love Lab.

Personally, I know that when I neglect those small micro moments then I am the string out of tune.

“Libby, what do I do that helps us stay in tune?”

“Well, you are a cheerleader when I experience something I enjoy. You will ask how something went and when I say it went well, you give me a ‘That’s great!’”

(I have to admit that I wanted her to say, “You know that great big kiss you give me every day – that is awesome!” That certainly helps keep me in tune.)

The great thing about good habits is you don’t have to think about them. It’s like the joy of playing a beautiful piece of music because you have practiced enough.

How many good habits can you name that keep your marriage in tune?