Grenades

Do you ever escalate an argument by pulling the pin and tossing a verbal grenade?

If so, give an example.

Our Experience

Libby and I grew up in Southern Christian families that rarely, if ever, openly expressed anger. The only one I remember being angry in my family was me. In our home movies I was the one pouting about something.

Nonetheless, I have certainly tossed a few grenades in order to make my point.

Libby? Not so much.

Tom Hanks says that his kids get braced whenever he starts a sentence with :

“Let me get this straight.”

Whenever spouses feel cornered or threatened in an argument they will do one of two things: withdraw or go on the attack.

The problem, though, is that the reason we feel threatened is not readily apparent to us.

So, we react.

And some reactions are more explosive than others.

One of my small grenades is a very simple statement.

“I don’t need you to be my mother.”

Its power is in the use of ‘my.’ I could have said, “I don’t need a mother.”

But that would leave out the comparison. As sweet as my mother was, she was strong in her opinion and quick to share it.

Apparently when I feel supervised my sense of competency is threatened.

Hence the grenade.

“Libby, are there any other grenades I tend to toss your way?”

(I don’t know what I was thinking to ask her that.)

“Yes, when you say that I warped our kids about our finances, that hurts.”

I am a little surprised because she knows that I tend to blame her for any complaints or concerns I might have about our kids. She has had plenty of practice deflecting those grenades.

Libby and I have different memories about how poor we were early in our marriage, especially when we moved to the Boston area for me to attend seminary with our three children, ages one, two, and six. Years later when Libby became pregnant and we told our boys, the youngest who was nine had only one question.

“Can we afford that?”

Stepping back to describe that conflict begins the healthy process of looking for the deeper emotions beneath the conflict.

Empathy is stirred in me when I gain more understanding of her experience. Sure, there might still be some shame that I did not better provide for us, but that opens the door for her support and assurance.

Are there any grenades you would like to disarm?