Practicing Self-Awareness

Which are you likely to be toward your spouse: an encourager or critic?

Bonus Question for the Brave:

“Honey, do you experience me more as an encourager or a critic?”

Our Experience

Sometimes the way Libby communicates to me suggests that she anticipates a negative response.

“I know that this will make you mad, but I agreed to . . . . . . “

That is actually very clever of her because she knows that pride will make me attempt to prove her wrong.

And it worked.

“I’ll show her,” was my internal response.

Afterwards, I had a more mature response, but I admit, I had to think about it first. (What a novel concept: Think before you speak.)

“Next time, I would prefer this instead of that, if that is okay?,” I said calmly.

Later I did ask myself an important question.

Does Libby expect me to be an encourager or a critic?

I believe my friends expect me to be an encourager. At least that is what they say about our conversations.

What would make me inclined to be a critic to Libby?

Here are some confessions. (Don’t worry, I’m not trying to criticize myself. I am trying to observe myself.)

A Tendency to be Exacting

It took a therapist all of two sessions to call me out on that. I wish that I were deeper and had more under the surface, but apparently not.

“You’re pretty exacting on yourself, aren’t you?”

I was speechless.

“Is there another way to be?”, I thought. How does she think I got to be this successful?

I like my dentist to be exacting, but in personal relationships being exacting is deadly. Everything matters more than it should. Everything has only one way to be done right. Which brings us to…

Perfectionism

This is the twin to being exacting and a required ingredient for being an anxious person.

If you lived with me, you might conclude that I must have grown up during the Great Depression. My parents did and their families were poor.

So, when I walk out onto our screened-in porch and the ceiling fan is on although there is no one out there, I automatically think, “That’s not right. Wasting all that energy and shortening the life of that fan. Those things are expensive.”

I’m sure that Libby has heard that lecture more than once. It thrills her when I have forgotten to turn off the garage lights.

I am learning to resist the tendencies that make me a critic. It is a lot more fun working on being an encourager. Sure, there is a required change of perspective and heart.

When I focus more on Libby than on my preferences, I have a more generous heart and attitude towards her.

I see things to appreciate.

I see burdens to share.

I see opportunities to add to her joy.

How do you work on being an encourager?