A Brave Question

Ask each other this question.

Do you feel truly seen, heard and understood by me?

Our Experience

Being seen, heard, and understood is the best gift we can give each other in marriage.

Most likely, that’s what brought us together in the first place. But later, it might become a little scary to ask the question about it.

To do so, the space between us must be safe. No criticism. No blame.

Only one question can be behind this question.

What can I learn?

So here goes.

“Libby, do you feel truly seen, heard and understood by me?”

“Hmmm . . . , “she starts, then repeats the question.

“I feel understood when I have an idea and you don’t try to change it or fix it,” she says.

That response took me by surprise, because in the previous hour I had tried to change an idea she had. It was a minor suggestion, I thought, about how she might get somewhere she was planning on going.

Perhaps it was the manner in which I continued to press my suggestion.

But it sounded to me like she was answering a different question.

“Do you know what bothers me?”. is what it sounded like she was answering.

I was tempted to critique her response to the prompt and suggest that she try again.

Later I did tell her that I was hoping she would have said that she feels seen, heard and understood because of the ways I show her that I care about her.

“Well, I know that you do care about me,” she offered.

“And I’m glad that you are not dead,” she added.

I’m not sure that this would qualify as a good Good Conversation.

But it was a real conversation.

What did I learn?

Could it be the case that I would prefer to hear compliments from her rather than how to understand her better?

When do you feel most understood?