Land Mines
Do you ever have a disagreement that suddenly blows UP?
Or your spouse’s reaction seems out of proportion to the issue being discussed?
What do you do when that happens?
Our Experience
The obvious danger of a land mine is that you do not know that it is there until you step on it.
The path looks safe and normal, but it isn’t.
All marriages have land mines. Sometimes these are called “Triggers.”
If these images are too violent for you, you can choose to call them “Sensitive Spots.” (But come on, they are more than that.)
Doctor Susan Johnson in her book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, calls them “Raw Spots.”
She defines Raw Spots as “a hypersensitivity formed in a person’s past or current relationships when an attachment need has been repeatedly neglected, ignored or dismissed, resulting in a person feeling emotionally deprived or deserted.” (page 98)
Our “emotional skin” is scraped raw.
What are we to do about Raw Spots?
Don’t make them worse by reacting to them. Resist fighting back, criticizing or shaming your partner for their upset.
Find them by stopping the discussion and asking, “What’s going on here?”
Try to discover what primary need is not being met or what threat is present.
Begin to soothe and heal each other with curiosity, understanding and compassion.
Back to the land mines.
Libby never blows up.
To quote the beloved Dolly Parton,
“I don’t lose my temper. I use my temper.”
She may speak sharply but she usually withdraws into chilled state.
She gets there instantly whenever I “correct” her about something, especially in front of others.
Of course, I do not think that I am correcting her, I’m just getting the facts straight.
So, my loving response is to double-down. Just to make sure she gets it straight.
My internal curiosity usually does not go beyond, “What’s her problem?”
But at least I don’t say it.
What should I do instead?
Stop correcting her.
Stop judging her when she gets upset.
Start the discovery process about what is really going on, which does not include the question, “Why are your over-reacting?”
When we aim for understanding, compassion is the result.
What might be your Raw Spots or Land Mines?
