The Real Enemy: Part I

Who’s to blame when you are in a major fight with your spouse?

Our Experience

“I hate who I become when I fight with my husband,” says a wife.

“She makes me so crazy I just have to leave the room,” says a husband.

Have you ever been surprised at how angry you can get with the person you vowed to love “for better or worse?”

Have you ever been the “worse” part of that equation? I have.

Although, I’m not a yeller or a name-caller. And I don’t bring up Libby’s parents. There’s nothing to blame them for.

Tone, facial expression and mic-drop pronouncements are my weapons of choice.

At least that’s what I’ve been told.

And if those don’t work, I can resort to the Iceberg Treatment.

Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder and leading researcher of Emotionally Focused Therapy has a strategy to help couples get out of destructive conflict patterns.

Identify The Real Enemy.

Sustained, unhealthy conflict turns our spouse into The Enemy.

Note: There is such a thing as healthy conflict. If you do not have any conflict, one of you has probably given up on your own needs. You go along to get along. That is tragic.

So, what is The Real Enemy?

Your Pattern or Style of Conflict.

When we get sideways with each other we step into patterns of communicating that will always hurt us. We have been wired with these patterns, and we have a knack of choosing a mate who will perfectly trigger them.

Dr. Johnson calls these patterns “Demon Dialogues.” Others have referred to them as The Bad Dance.”

When a couple can step back and identify their pattern of conflict, they have an opportunity to change it.

Changing a pattern is a lot easier than changing a spouse, especially when you do it together.

Next week I will share the 3 Demon Dialogues that are most common. I am sure yours will be obvious to you. You can read about them yourself in Dr. Johnson’s book,

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.