Your Real Enemy in Conflict
How well are you able to identify and resist destructive patterns when you are in conflict with each other?
Especially when you have concluded that your spouse is the problem?
Our Experience
Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy and the author of the best-seller, Hold Me Tight says that the Real Enemy when we are in conflict with our spouse is not our spouse but The Pattern of our conflict.
Recognizing that pattern and uniting to break it is the first step to restoring a positive emotional connection.
She has identified 3 Demon Dialogues in which most couples get stuck.
Find the Bad Guy.
The Protest Polka.
Freeze and Flee.
The first one is pretty obvious. It starts with a contest to determine who is the bigger victim of the issue. A victim always requires a villain. Complaint and blame are the primary weapons guaranteed to keep a couple apart.
The second, The Protest Polka is the most common pattern. It starts with a demand or criticism which leads to a defense or withdrawal from the other. You could think of it like ping—pong, but that’s too safe and fun. It is more like tether-ball where the goal might include smacking the other.
Most men don’t have a chance in tether-ball. Our minds don’t work that quickly.
The third is more of a behavior than a dialogue and results from the Protest Polka.
“Well, say something”: One might demand.
The other can’t. They’ve withdrawn. They had to escape, maybe not physically, but for sure emotionally.
In family matters where it counts the most, I tend to rely on Find the Bad Guy. Combining the need to be right with being a little exacting, well, you can imagine the result.
If now you are ready to inform your spouse what they do wrong in conflict – you’ve missed the point.
If you can recognize your pattern and make changing it instead of changing your spouse the goal, you heading in the right direction.
What patterns do you resort to?
