Valentine’s Day?

How do you and your spouse express fondness and admiration in your relationship?

Our Experience

I might be the luckiest husband in the world. My wife expects nothing from me on Valentine’s Day. Her exact words? “It’s a Hallmark card rip-off!” (That may surprise all of you who know sweet, sunshiny Libby, but there you have it. But she loves sending our grandkids a Valentines’ card and gift.)

Researcher John Gottman in his best-selling, The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work says that experiencing and expressing Fondness and Admiration is a critical principle for a satisfying marriage. If antagonism has extinguished that “system” of expression, then the marriage is in “dire trouble.”

He provides a list of True/False statements a couple can use for their own assessment. They might work better as a 1-5 Agreement scale, but here’s a sample.

• I will often find ways to tell my partner, “I love you.”

• I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately.

• I feel loved and cared for in this relationship.

• My partner appreciates the things I do in this relationship.

How do you respond to these questions?

If your first inclination is to be critical of your spouse, then you should hear alarm bells. If you are inclined to be curious, inspired and motivated, then you are starting from a good place.

When Libby and I considered how we express Fondness and Admiration we realized that saying, “Thank you,” was one of the most consistent expressions of fondness.

“I say, ‘Thank you,’ a lot,” she declared.

“That makes me look pretty good,” I thought but dared not say.

We both say it a lot, even for little things. It’s become one of our better habits, and we actually enjoy doing things for each other. (Sorry, I said that like it was extraordinary, when it should be routine and normal.)

If you would like to work on your Fondness and Admiration System I recommend, Gottman’s book, chapter 5.

“Valentine’s Day?!” she mocks.

“I want fondness and admiration every day!”

Didn’t I tell you that I was a lucky husband?

How do you express fondness and admiration?