Fire or Ice

When you have disagreements, which one of you is more likely to be the fire and which one of you is more likely to be the ice?

Our Experience

When in conflict it is often the case that one person more quickly gets angry and expresses it with criticism or complaint. Then the other gets defensive and usually goes quiet. Research indicates that men are more likely to withdraw, unless we are the one who starts the conflict.

A harmful cycle begins. When one goes quiet and retreats the other raises the volume until the conflict reaches a breaking point.

It is easy to become an expert in what our partner is doing wrong and what they should change. But until we become experts about ourselves and are willing to make our own changes, we will stay stuck in this negative pattern.

Libby and I grew up in homes where parents never yelled or openly criticized each other. As far as we knew, our parents never had any conflicts.

The only person in my house who ever got angry was me. And I employed both fire and ice, although my go-to was pouting. “I’ll show them,” was my mantra. The only time I remember my dad getting mad at me was when as an older teen I apparently said something disrespectful to my mother. With a fierceness in his eyes, he quietly “invited’ me back to their bedroom.

There he told me that no man could speak to his wife like that and he was ready to fight me to prove it. I had no idea that I had suddenly become a “man” and my mother had become his wife. I immediately got the point and in mild shock quickly apologized to him and to her.

Anger comes in all sorts and sizes. I am most afraid of the cold anger required to sustain a withdrawal. It is a commitment that produces a hard heart.

But I do have my version of fire. According to Libby it comes through my tone of voice, my facial expression that includes wide eyes, and a statement that has the subtext, “Any idiot would know that.”

It has always been hard for me to admit to these behaviors. I was usually too busy justifying or proving my point of view. I described myself as “frustrated,” not “angry.” I was too good to be angry.

But here’s the thing. The more I am willing to become an expert on myself and accept responsibility for my anger, the greater my capacity for patience, love and joy becomes.

What are you like when you are angry?