Replacing Reactions with Responses
Do you know the difference between a reaction and a response?
What are you doing to replace your reactions with responses?
Our Experience
The prompts reveal two assumptions:
(1) There is a difference between a reaction and a response.
(2) Responses are better than reactions.
The Exception: A quick reaction is best in an emergency when someone is in danger, like when a small child falls off a dock and you quickly reach down and grab them before anyone else has moved. (My high school youth leader who will be ninety-three in March still credits me with saving the life of her daughter when that happened.)
But in relationships, reactions cause a good deal of harm.
Why?
Think grenade. We pull the pin and lob it when we react.
Our reaction usually causes our spouse to react. And the battle has begun.
Because a reaction is immediate, defenses have to go up. A response requires a pause which is not threatening.
A reaction comes from insecurity. A response comes from confidence.
A reaction shuts down communication. A response invites understanding.
A reaction injures. A response heals.
A child reacts. An adult responds.
“My name is Mark, and I am a Reactor.”
A recovering reactor, hopefully. Not so much with others because that would look bad. But, certainly with Libby and family.
Just the other night Libby and I had a dust-up over a calendar conflict. We had picked a night to have a couple over for dinner. They are relatively new to us and this would be the first time to host them. It was all set, just a few nights away and I was excited about it.
“I just got a reminder that we are supposed to go to a church event that night,” Libby informed me.
“I forgot to put it on my calendar,” she added.
I reacted instead of taking the time to respond.
“What?!!” I exclaimed.
“We just won’t go to the church event,” I announced.
“But I told them we would be there,” she said.
“Well, I will call this couple and let them know that we have no plans to ever see them,” I said maturely.
She calmly left the room.
I could not believe how ridiculous my reaction was.
Her response was to wisely withdraw. She chose to not react, but to respond.
When you know you have committed a reaction, you don’t have to wait for a referee to throw a flag.
It’s obvious that you need to repair the damage with a real apology (no sneaky, ‘but.’) After you have taken a few minutes to try to understand your reaction. After my apology?
“You decide,” was her response.
At that point, in the calm waters of respect, the decision was easy.
“I’ll call the couple and see if we can reschedule,” I said.
When I take full responsibility for my reactions and decide instead to respond with understanding, wisdom and affection Libby will know that she is loved.
How are you managing reactions?
